Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out.
Yo mamma is so fat, she got hit by a car and said: Who threw that rock???
At a Barrack, the commander calls the captain: "Take as many soldiers you need and start building additional toilets. The number of the people in need has increased!" "I would suggest, sir, instead of building more toilets, maybe we should hire a new cook!"
I was wondering why air is so polluted. Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air". Now it makes sense.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter? A: Sue. Q: And his son? A: Bill.
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room. "No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."
If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
Two Italian men get on a bus... They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.