Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired.
They are each assigned a section of the road.
The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1.
On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5.
On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5.
The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day," the manager said.
"What's the problem?"
"I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!"
Q: What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
A: A sunken chest with no booty!
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."
She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register.
And in the meantime the woman farts.
At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
Vote:
A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church.
He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?"
"Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sexual life, wins!"
"Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sex!"
And the boys unanimously: "You won, Father!"
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Q: What are the three words you never wanna hear whilst having sex?
A: "Honey I'm home."
Vote:
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library.
He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon.
Please allow me to rephrase my question.
Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”
Peter: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
Ted: What?
Peter: A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew! Chew!”
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.