A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."
Yo momma so ugly that when she smiles in the mirror the reflection doesn't smile back.
Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex? Girl: A threesome Boy: What's it called when two people have sex? Girl: A twosome Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know." Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone." Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Peter: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train? Ted: What? Peter: A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew! Chew!”
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football. The game of choice for middle management is tennis. The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf. Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying. He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her. She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss. She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?” Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.