Best jokes ever

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."
Vote: has 79.21 % from 269 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, dirty, drunk, wife
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you." The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you." Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you." The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question." So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?" To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"
Vote: has 79.21 % from 76 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: church, men, money, priest, wife
Yo momma is so stupid she stared at an orange juice container for 2 hours because it said concentrate.
Vote: has 79.20 % from 1051 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, stupid, Yo mama
Yo' Mama is so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.
Vote: has 79.20 % from 1177 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, insulting, money, Yo mama
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Vote: has 79.19 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: chemistry, geek, science
Chuck Norris can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
Vote: has 79.19 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris
A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!." "No worries," replies the clerk. "We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs." "Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent. With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen. In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen. She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing?" she asks. "Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."
Vote: has 79.19 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: men
Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.
Vote: has 79.19 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, health
Teacher: Students draw a picture of bacteria. Student: Here it is Mam! Teacher: Where? It Is Blank. Student: you told that bacteria cannot be seen with naked eye!
Vote: has 79.18 % from 215 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: school, student, teacher
Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex? Girl: A threesome Boy: What's it called when two people have sex? Girl: A twosome Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome
Vote: has 79.18 % from 374 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty, sex