A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager.
"My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy.
"Who'd she play for?"
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"
The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition."
The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
Q: What are the three words you never wanna hear whilst having sex?
A: "Honey I'm home."
Vote:
Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?
A: Marijuana
I once meet a honest, caring, politician that listened when I spoke and tried to help the country.
Then I woke up.
Chuck Norris threw rocks into the ocean and named them Hawaii
Vote:
In a shop for kids. Peter selects a toy car, comes to the cash desk and gives the cashier money-cards from Monopoly game.
The cashier:
- Are you stupid? This isn't real money!
Peter:
- You're stupid. The car is not real either.
Yo momma so ugly that when she smiles in the mirror the reflection doesn't smile back.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris' glare will liquify your kidney.
Vote: