A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree.
He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground.
The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"
"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied.
"But whats that shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."
Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
Vote:
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone.
Wing, Wing, Halo
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.
A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."
My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.
One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners.
They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."
Vote:
Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.
In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.
The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".
The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".
And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".
Q: Why did my wife cross the road?
A: To go back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.