Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’
Yo mama so fat Mount Everest tried to climb her.
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."
A younboy gave his mum a big wrapped up birthday present on a Saturday. She opened it up and it was a tea pot. She said "What a wonderful tea port darling - thank you." The boy said "That's good." Mum said "However I already have a tea pot." The boy replied "No you haven't - I broke it."
A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid." "Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. "I can never remember the name."
Q: What's dumber than a brunette trying to build a house under water? A: A blonde trying to burn it down