Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water.
Are you scared of water?
Well you should be.
400,000 people drown per year.
Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
A: Because he didn't get arrays.
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Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
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Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness."
Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes.
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Q: Why was the blonde late for work?
A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.
What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door.
"Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private.
"Yes sir!" the Private Responds.
An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived.
The worried Captain checks with the Sentry.
"Did the General arrive?"
"No Sir!"
Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?
"Hasn't the General arrived yet?"
"No Sir!"
This continues for two hours.
Finally, the General arrives.
"Where the hell have you been?" snapped the private, "The captain's looking for you!"
Q: What's the difference between death and taxes?
A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.