My 1st time having sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move.
She: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, it's called Buffering.
Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes.
Vote:
Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.
In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.
The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".
The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".
And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".
A man walks into work with two black eyes.
His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, "Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink."
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, "Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink."
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, "It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
To which, the drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina."
A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him.
So he sent her a picture of his top half.
A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half.
Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC.
The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job.
As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary."
The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless.
As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious."
The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands."
A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one."
"Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Tom Cruise."
Poof! She's gone.
"Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says: "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."
Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
Vote:
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper.
"Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
Two days later her doorbell rings.
"Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away."
"What makes you think you are great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Tim replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"