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The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
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What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
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You might be a redneck if a police officer pulls you over to ask for your driver's license and your address is the county jail.
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Insurance companies are trying to set new guidelines before approving Viagra coverage. What will they use to set those guidelines? A growth chart.
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When Chuck Norris was a kid, he wanted to see if you really could kill two birds with a stone. Let's just say that's why birds fly still south in the winter.
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Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway? A: Because its underground.
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Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? A: Han So-high
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90% of programmer errors come from data from other programmers.
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A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.
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A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
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