Why'd the Mexican army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? There was only two vans.
Chuck Norris doesn't prepare dinner; dinner knows when to be ready.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.
A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women. His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them. Great says his mate, what is it! Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
My iPhone fell from the 20th floor. Good thing it was in airplane mode.
Q: What Valentine's Day candy is best to give a girl? A: Her-She Kisses.
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Q: If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? A: "Darling, could you tell me about your work."
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still.