Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel?
I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby.
I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''
Vote:
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Vote:
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.
He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.
The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.
The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself.
So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.
The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.
Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.
The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
Vote:
A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia.
When he was going back to his truck, a game warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack.
"Three rabbits," Jed said.
The warden said, "Let me see one of those rabbits."
So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits.
The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, "This is a Georgia rabbit."
Then the warden said, "Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."
So Jed showed him.
Then the warden said, "Let me see another one of those rabbits."
So Jed pulled out another rabbit.
Then the warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's bunghole, tasted it and said, "This is a Alamba rabbit. Let me see your Alamba huntin' license."
So Jed showed them to him. Then the Warden said, "Where you from boy?"
So Jed pulled his pants down and said, "You figure it out!"
Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.
On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "It was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."
Vote:
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test!
Vote:
Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.”
Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery.
I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid.
”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”.
”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”
A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
“Bad knees.”
Vote:
Chuck Norris can find the end of a circle.
Vote:
Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me."
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."