Yo mama is so fat, she needs two Facebook accounts for her profile picture.
When I reached to a desert island I didn't find anybody; so I turned home!
"I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?" "That's right, Sir." "So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?" "That was my dentist."
"Mr. Ben, I am asking for your daughter's hand." "Why? I don't get it, don't you have a hand?" "I do sir, but I'm sick and tired with my own hand sir!"
Q: Why do economists exist? A: So accountants have someone to laugh at.
Life is like a box of chocolate. It doesn't last long for fat people.
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.” “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. I’ve beaten him three games out of five."
Chuck Norris can spit through bulletproof glass.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.