Every time I say that I'm ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I'm not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
Vote:
Q: Why did the programmer quit his job?
A: Because he didn't get arrays.
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My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness.
So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
Vote:
Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
A man is in a bar talking to his friend.
‘Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.’
‘Did he get anything? asks his friend.
‘Yes,’ says the man.
‘A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs.
My wife thought it was me coming home drunk.’
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Vote:
A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards.
Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game.
Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers "
Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"
Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me im going in!
Yo Momma is so fat…
That she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.