What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. Men will screw anything.
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment!
I had a programming problem and decided to use regular expressions to solve it. Now I have two problems.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."