A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino's Pizza:
Customer: "Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, it's Just Bread"
Domino's: "We're sorry to hear about this!"
Customer (minutes later): "Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down :/"
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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Q: How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me."
Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."
If Chuck Norris was in a video game it would be called Immortal Kombat.
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Chuck Norris can remember the future.
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Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying.
When his mother ask why he replays.
"The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that."
Mom says "cause u black and they white."
Next day Tyrone is crying again .
"What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask.
Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that."
Mom says "cause u black and they white."
Next day he comes home smiling.
"What happened today Tyrone?"
Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white."
Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."
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Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
A snail and a slug got in a crash.
When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened.
He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?”
The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate!
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed.
He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later…no centipede.
20 minutes later… no centipede.
30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on.
The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened.
Did the centipede run away?
Did it get run over by a car?
Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”