One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their father, Big Jimmy John, sat down to eat supper. Big Jimmy John turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?"
To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas."
In a flash, Big Jimmy John slapped the shit out Little Jimmy.
"Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?" asked his father.
I want some of them fuckin' peas," said Jimmy.
Big Jimmy John then back handed Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and half way across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table where his father once again asked, "Little Jimmy, now what would you like to eat?"
Once again Little Jimmy responded, "I want some of them fuckin' peas!"
Furiously, Big Jimmy John snapped, savagely beatting Little Jimmy, leaving him bleeding and unconcious on the kitchen floor.
Returning to the table, short of breathe, and trying to regain his composure, Big Jimmy John turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,"Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?"
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his father and quickely exclaimed, "Well you can bet your sweet ass, it ain't none of them Fuckin' Peas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Vote:
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan.
The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.
If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.
"Fair enough," says the man.
"Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."
The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests.
"In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take nomore."
The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test.
Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut.
The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps.
He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and sctratches.
He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Q: How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
If Chuck Norris was in a video game it would be called Immortal Kombat.
Vote:
Chuck Norris can remember the future.
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Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.
One Sunday morning,a little girl and her mother go to church.
Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick.
Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church.
The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes.
Her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says.
"But I didn't have to go all the way "round the back.
There was a box near the front door that said "For the Sick."
When the first legal brothel opened here in Brissy I got the OK from the missus to check it out and have myself a good time.
I was in there like a flash and as I was the only client at that time I has my choice of the buffet on offer.
I chose a gorgeous tall slim redhead but before moving off to the rooms she stated that she wont work with anyone unless they are 10 inches.
Being a little embarrassed as you would be I asked her politely to sit back down.
I mean after all, no matter how hot they were I wasn't about to cut 2 inches of my manhood for anyone...