A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them.
So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how.
Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Vote:
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: “What did you learn today?”
Kid: “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.
Vote:
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end.
A toothbrush with toothpaste
What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?
I hope it's not mine.
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.
He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. I’ve beaten him three games out of five."
I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.