What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.
Every time I say that I'm ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I'm not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
Drink water, let's surprise the liver!
Q: What's the best way of investing your money? A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
Q: Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? A: Time will tell.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.