What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
Q: What's the best way of investing your money? A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
Drink water, let's surprise the liver!
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
I had a programming problem and decided to use regular expressions to solve it. Now I have two problems.
I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females." Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."
Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays. "The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day Tyrone is crying again . "What's wrong today Tyrone" his mother ask. Tyrone said "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that." Mom says "cause u black and they white." Next day he comes home smiling. "What happened today Tyrone?" Tyrone says mama "we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white." Mama says "no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6."
Jimmy's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Jimmy." Jimmy says, "Now! I can see why they threw him out!