Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag."
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females." Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."
I had a programming problem and decided to use regular expressions to solve it. Now I have two problems.
A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing. She explains the advice her father had given her. The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end. A toothbrush with toothpaste
I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They already fell for that shit once before.
Allstate gets insurance from Chuck Norris, because even Allstate needs to be in good hands.
Q: What's the best thing about ISIS jokes? A: The execution.