Best jokes ever

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?” The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.” The blonde then asks, “What does it do?” The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.” The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that! I’ll take it!” The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!” The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?” The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: blonde
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, lawyer, life
Q: If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? A: "Darling, could you tell me about your work."
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: accountant, wife, work
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: friendship, life
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue? A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: food, hipster
A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women. His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them. Great says his mate, what is it! Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: men
Q: What Valentine's Day candy is best to give a girl? A: Her-She Kisses.
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has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: food, Valentines day, women
What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
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has 76.80 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: dentist
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
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has 76.80 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: cop
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
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has 76.80 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: divorce, mean, men, money, women
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