I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind. Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it. I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
Yo mama so ugly, people break into her house to close the curtains!
Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness." Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Warning! User Error. Kindly replace user and press a key to continue.
How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Me: "I'm finally happy!" Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down." The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?" The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."