I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it.
I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Yo mama is so stupid, when I offered her animal crackers she said no thanks, I'm a vegetarian.
Yo mama so ugly, people break into her house to close the curtains!
Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness."
Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Warning!
User Error.
Kindly replace user and press a key to continue.
Vote:
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.
The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down."
The man is incredulous and asks why.
The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."