Best jokes ever

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Vote: has 76.50 % from 564 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Vote: has 76.49 % from 122 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty
After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Frank says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies, "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
Vote: has 76.49 % from 77 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dirty
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''
Vote: has 76.48 % from 117 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, baby, old people
Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.
Vote: has 76.46 % from 112 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Vote: has 76.45 % from 87 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris
An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"
Vote: has 76.45 % from 194 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, dirty, masturbation, money, sex
What's an extroverted IT professional? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you, instead of his own.
Vote: has 76.44 % from 92 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: IT, programmer
What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant? I hope it's not mine.
Vote: has 76.43 % from 146 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over. 20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? 17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. 16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. 15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 14. Bad cop. No donut. 13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? 9. I pay your salary 8. So uh, you on the take or what? 7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. 6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. 4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. 3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. 1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Vote: has 76.42 % from 208 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop