Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Son: "Mom, I love you so much!" Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."
The world won't end in 2012, it will end when Chuck Norris gets bored of it.
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this? " "You're speaking to it."
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help," she said. "Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
An eclipse is just the suns attempt to hide from Chuck Norris.
Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?" Class: "At once!"
Yo mama is so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping out the basement window.
Yo momma so stupid, she put 2 quarters to her ears and thought she was listenin’ to 50 Cent.