Best jokes ever

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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has 75.96 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: kids, school, teacher
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
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has 75.96 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: doctor, memory, money
Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? A: You can't hear a vitamin.
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has 75.96 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: health, insulting, medical, women
Music teacher tells Peter: "I warn you, if you will not behave, as appropriate, I tell your parents that you have a talent for music."
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has 75.96 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: music, teacher
You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me." Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."
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has 75.96 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: age, life, sport
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, "What'll ya have?" The man says, "Gimme a beer." The ostrich says, "I'll have one too." The cat says, "I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price." The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, "that'll be $12.67." The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, "anything else?" The man says, "Gimme a shot of bourbon." The ostrich says, "I'll have one too." The cat says, "I want a double bourbon, but I'm only gonna pay half price." The bartender serves them and says, "That's $14.03." The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, "What else will ya have?" The man says, "I need a Jack and Coke." The ostrich says, "Me too!" The cat says, "I want two Jack and Cokes, and I'm only paying..." "Half price, I know," says the bartender. He sets them up and says, "$16.38, please." The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, "How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?" The man says, "Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket." The bartender says, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you'll never run out of money, you don't have to worry about carrying it, and you'll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant." The man says, "I know, and thank you!" The bartender says, "So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?" The man said "A chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
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has 75.95 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, genie, money
A daughter wakes up at 3 a.m. and asks her mother: "Mummy, tell me a fairy-tale." "Daddy will get back soon and he will tell both of us a fairy tale..."
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has 75.95 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, family, husband
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don’t see why not," replies the doctor. "That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."
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has 75.95 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: doctor, hospital, life, music
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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has 75.95 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: husband, wife, women
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
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has 75.95 % from 435 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, computer
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