Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A sharp pain in the ass.
A kid asks his mom "why his sisters' middle name is Paris?"
"Because that's where we conceived her."
"Next, I was going to ask why my middle name is Chevy but now I know why."
I haven't spoken to the mother in law for 6 months now... apparently, it's rude to interrupt!
Vote:
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.
The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunk"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"
My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor?"
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."