Best jokes ever

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor?" "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Why did the Blonde pee in the Grocery Store? The sign said "Wet Floor."

Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A: Better traction.

The only thing written on Chuck Norris' passport is "It's me".

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

Q: What is foreplay for a Liberal? A: Thirty minutes of begging.

The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!" The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."

Yo Momma's so fat that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse me mame, but the tide wants to come in."

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while. Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded, "Hurry, hurry! It's going to rain and we left the top down!"