A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news."
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the patient.
"How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday." 
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Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
When God created the donkey, he said:"You’ll work day and night, and you’ll carry in your back heavy baggage. You’ll eat grass and you’ll have low IQ. You’ll be living for 50 years."
"But my God, 50 years is a lot of time for that kind of life! Give me only 30."
And so it happened.
Then, God created the dog:"As a dog, you’ll guard man’s property and you’ll be his staunch/loyal friend. You’ll eat their left overs and you’ll be living for 25 years."
"Oh, Mighty God. This kind of life is unbearable. Give me only 10 years to live, please."
And so it happened.
Then, God created the monkey:" You’ll jump around, tree to tree, and you’ll act like a fool so people can be entertained by you. You life will last 20 years."
"No, God, please! Don’t let me suffer for that long. Give only 10 years to live."
And so it happened.
Last, God created the Man:"You’re a Man. You’re the only sensible being on the planet earth. You’ll use your inteligence to dominance the other creatures. You’ll be in charge. You’ll life will last 20 years."
"But my one and only God, 20 years is not too long to achieve my goal. I beg you to give me the donkey’s 20 years, dog’s 15 years and monkeys 10 years."
And so it happen.
Since then men lives for 20 years as a man.
Then, he gets married and works as a donkey for 20 years by carrying heavy baggage night and day.
He haves children and lives as a dog, guarding the house and his property, eating family left overs.
And when he grows old, he lives like a monkey.
He’s his grandchildren entertainer by acting fool!
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Three men are sitting at a campfire telling stories about their great endeavors.
The first man talked about how to sucked out the venom of a snake and sucked it up with 50 degree alcohol.
The second man called it a circus trick as he has gotten 3 gunshots towards the chest and he but the guns in half.
They looked at the third guy wanting to hear his story.
Only to see him stroking his cock with the glowing hot coals.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She asked gently.
“I think you bring me bad luck.”
How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.