A total eclipse won't look directly at Chuck Norris.
Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all-time because Chuck Norris never played.
Chuck Norris can get breakfast at McDonalds after 11, at Taco Bell.
Chuck Norris is so fast that when he runs, he can see his back.
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at nine o'clock sharp I wake up."
Q: Why is life like a penis? A: Women make it hard!
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison." "Well, then she said, "Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!" he admitted.
Chuck Norris once stared death in the face... Death pissed his pants.
Patient: Doc I keep on forgetting things. Doctor: Since when did you have these problems? Patient: What problems?
Chuck Norris can play the saxophone... while holding his breath.