The clerk walks into the boss's office and says,
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Have they finished checking the books?", asks the boss.
"Very thoroughly," is the reply.
"Well, what did they say", says the boss.
"They want 15% to keep quiet."
Vote:
Always be yourself. Unless you can be quiet, then be that.
Every time I say that I'm ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I'm not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
Vote:
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."
The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.
Vote:
Q: How did the pirate get through School?
A: By sailing on high C's.
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women.
Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone.
But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
So she could have shade when she swam across!