I had a programming problem and decided to use regular expressions to solve it.
Now I have two problems.
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You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words.
She asks the class to use a word in a sentence.
The teacher says the word is "contagious".
Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up.
The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence.
Johnny says the other day, my dad and I were driving down the freeway and woman was painting a billboard, she was using a very small brush.
The teacher says "what does this have to do the word contagious?"
Johnny says "my dad turned to me and said: 'Son it is going to take that "cunt-ages" to paint that billboard with that little brush!'"
The teacher says, "never again!"
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Joke has 73.66 % from 117 votes. More jokes about: communication, dad, little Johnny, school, teacher
A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife :
Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!
What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?
No, restart the router, please!
Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.
A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, run!”
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!”
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, “He can’t run because he got four balls.”
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!”
A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.
She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself
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Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:
- You can GET chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
- You can have chocolate in in public.
- If you bite the nuts, the chocolate won't mind.
- The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
- You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
- No need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
- Size doesn't matter - though more is still better.
A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"