A man says to his wife, "Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing." Wife says, "I dont want to go." Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se. Wife pick blow job. After she sucking for a while she says, "It tastes like sh*t. Man says, "I know, dog didnt want to go fishing either."
Dog Property Laws 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If its in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, its mine. 8. If I saw it first, its mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If its broken, its yours.
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him. That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school... Teacher: "Whats your name?" Boy: "Nadir" Teacher: "No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today." Boy went home and his mother asked: "How was the day Nadir?" Boy: "I am an American now, so call me Johnny." Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised... Teacher: "What happened Johnny?" Boy: "Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists."
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?" Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
A Mexican and a black person jump off a bridge, who wins? Society.
A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
Question: Why did God give men penises? Answer: So men would at least have one way to shut a woman up.