Q: Why did the blond layout on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
A: She wanted to get a dark tan.
I lost 125 pounds.
It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
Doctor: "Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?"
Patient: "What pills?"
Benefits of having Alzheimer's:
You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends.
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When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
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Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.
8. If I saw it first, its mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, its yours.
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What sort of answer did you have in mind?
A: None - just assume it's changed.
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."
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Did you hear about the man whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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Q: When do accountants laugh out loud?
A: When somebody asks for a raise.
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