We’re all self-made but only the rich and successful like to admit it.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then voice in my head says:
"Haha nice one!"
and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
A: What's the difference between a lawyer and an undertaker?
B: A Lawyer doesn't mind getting his hands dirty while burying his victims.
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
"Tom what’s going on?" Mark asked.
"It’s my wife Beckie,"
Tom replied. "She ran off with my best friend!"
"Hey wait a second!" Said Mark.
"Aren’t I your best friend?"
"Not any more," Tom said with a happy smile. "He is!"
Q:Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
A:Because they can.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet.
The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second.
An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.
Yo mamma is so fat when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.
She said "Gym or me".
Sometimes I miss her.
Q: Did you hear about the new Viagra eye-drops?
A: Apparently they make you look hard.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did, and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school."