A lady walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady said. "Now you have to remove them."
Boss comes up to an employee: "Yesterday you did a great job - in one day you managed to do as much work, as you did in previous month!" "Thanks boss, that's because Facebook was shut down for the whole day."
Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like. How do you do that? I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?"
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I explained that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. "Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
There was a vampire who sucked people's blood for many centuries. God was very angry at the vampire and said to him, "You're going to hell!" The vampire fell to his knees and said, "God, I beg of you, give me one more chance to be good." God agreed. Then the vampire said, "I want to be light, fluffy, and white like a cloud." "That seems easy enough," replied God. "I would also like to have wings like an angel." "OK," replied God. Since God had said yes to all his requests, the vampire decided to ask for a very greedy request. "God, if possible, could you let me suck a little blood?" "Sure," replied God, "but only once a month." And he turned the vampire into a maxi pad with wings.
What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower? Unemployed.
‘Its been a rough day. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.’ Rodney Dangerfield