A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch.
Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too.
Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week.
Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each.
The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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Yo mama so fat that she fell over and rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.
"It's a boy," I shouted, as tears began to roll down my cheeks.
"I can't believe it, it really is a boy."
That's when I swore never to return to Thailand.
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?"
The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
I dig,
you dig,
we dig,
he digs,
she digs,
they dig.
It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep...
Chuck Norris can choke you to life.
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A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a prostitute!"
Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a prostitute?? what do you care about what she does after work?"
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the donkey.
"Your name is written inside the cover."
Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.
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Dan staggers into the shower.
He notices that his d**k is bright orange.
He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor.
After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?"
Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."
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