Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!
Chuck Norris' phone never auto corrects him.
Facebook: "My kids are perfect." Instagram: "My kids are beautiful." Twitter: "My kids are why I drink."
When Chuck Norris plays dodge ball... the balls dodge him.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Yo mama so nasty that when she goes to the universal studios children follow her shouting "Shrek! Shrek!"
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!" "What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
When Bell invented the telephone, there were already three Chuck Noris missed calls.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
Friend pisses me off so I poked holes in his condom the night before he uses it. Three months later... my mom's pregnant.