A blonde goes into a music store and asks the guy who works there where the country music CD's are.
The salesman replies, "Try the other side."
So the blonde moves to his other ear and says, "Where are the country music CD's?"
A woman is learning how to golf.
She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad.
She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball.
She does.
The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.
The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club".
When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.
"She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards."
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem. How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
Yo momma so stupid she thought that doctor pepper could heal her.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL.
It's out in the garden behind the garage.
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A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."
"That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.
"Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made."
"What’s wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your boobs, and if you don’t leave that screw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
A first-grade teacher can't
believe her student isn't hepped up about the Super Bowl.
"It's a huge event. Why aren't you excited?"
"Because I'm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too," says the student.
"Well, that's a lousy reason," says the teacher. "What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be a football fan."
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.
"You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Son: "Dad, I'm cold..."
Dad: "Stand in a corner, they're usually ninety degrees!"
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