Best jokes ever

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'
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has 69.89 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: beer, husband, old people, phone, wife
A boy tells his friend that he has a crush on his teacher. The second boy says, ‘Man, that is disgusting.’ The first boy says, ‘What? Everyone has a crush on their teacher.’ The second boy says, ‘Yeah, but you’re home-schooled.’
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has 69.89 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: school
A third age Scotsman was waiting for his son to return from his first date. Finally, he arrived after midnight. "Were you worried, father?" "Yes, I was really worried... I want to know how much did that date cost you..." "It cost me only four euros!" "Hmm, it's not that much." "I know father... But the girl didn't have any more money..."
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has 69.89 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: age, dating, money
They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach. But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
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has 69.89 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: black humor, food, love, men
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day? A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
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has 69.89 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: ethnic, food, political, Thanksgiving, time
Chuck Norris can straighten a circle.
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has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
A guy and a girl are roommates in college. The girl goes to a frat party, brings home another guy, fucks him, and then decides the next morning that she likes her roommate and therefore it's not going to work out. After her fling left, her roommate came up to her and: Him: "I think I found my soulmate in you..." Her: "Really?!" Him: "Yeah... uh... that guy you brought home last night?" Her: "Oh yeah. I don't care about him anymore." Him: "Great! So he's available?"
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has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: college, communication, gay, love, mean
Son: "Mommy why doesn't Gandhi have hair?" Mom: "Because he never lies." Son: "Ohh now I see why ladies have long hair."
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has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: communication, insulting, kids, mean, women
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
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has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: car, driving, fish
A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
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has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: blonde, doctor, medical, stupid
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