Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: Because she couldn't find the 11
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.
Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and shits out grizzly bears.
Q: What's the best thing about ISIS jokes? A: The execution.
Yo mama is so stupid that she thought starbucks are money in space.
A blonde goes to an international message center to call her mother. When the man tells her it will be $300, she exclaims, "I don't have that kind of money, but I'll do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." He tells the blonde to follow him and takes her into a back room. He unzips his pants and takes out his penis. The blonde gets on her knees, brings it toward her mouth and says, "Hello? Mom?"
Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber once had a singing contest, the loser had to never hit puberty.
A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, "I would like to see a bikini that fits me." Clerk, "me too..."
Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.
A woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup. While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, "Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sex." The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup. While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sex." The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup. This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?" The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."