Best jokes ever

A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York. At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady. What are both men thinking? Don't look down.
Vote:
has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: age, death, dirty, geography, sex
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
Vote:
has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: animal, horse, old people
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
Vote:
has 69.87 % from 700 votes. More jokes about: car, god, marriage, money, women
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
Vote:
has 69.86 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, money
Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day? A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Vote:
has 69.86 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: ethnic, food, political, Thanksgiving, time
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
Vote:
has 69.86 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: death, dentist, life, mean, redneck
Yo' Mama is so fat, she wears a watch on each arm one for each time zone she's in.
Vote:
has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: Yo mama
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went Roooaarrrrr!"
Vote:
has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: old people
I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
Vote:
has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, health, wine
Chuck Norris can give you a wet willie with a dry finger.
Vote:
has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
<<<368369370371
More jokes →
Page 368 of 1427.