Best jokes ever

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"
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has 69.86 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, money
Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: Fathers day, kids, teacher, work
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and suddenly, the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I tried to get my weapon ready, but there was no time, the tiger leapt toward me with a mighty Roooaarrrrr!I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went Roooaarrrrr!"
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: old people
Yo' Mama is so fat, she wears a watch on each arm one for each time zone she's in.
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: Yo mama
A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says, "I would take half and leave you". Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: men
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: men, sex, women
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: women
I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, "Do you think I'll live to be eighty, Doc?" He looked at me and asked me, "Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?" I said, "No, nothing like that. And I don't do drugs either." He looked at me again and asked me, "Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy." He looked at me again and asked me, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" I replied, "No, nothing like that." He looked at me again and asked me, "And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" I said, "No, nothing like that, Doc." He looked at me again and said, "Then why do you even care?"
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, health, wine
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
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has 69.85 % from 124 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, friendship
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