Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!" 
Alcohol doesn't make you FAT... it makes you LEAN... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people!
When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, "Sweetened or unsweetened?"
Her answer: "What's the difference?"
Vote:
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.
Vote:
Did you hear about the man who spent too much of his company's money on Viagra?
Now he's hard up.
Q: Why can't skeletons play music at a church?
A: They have no organs.
Yo Momma so fat and ugly that when she applied to become a movie star she got the part "Godzilla".
I do two hours of cardio every day.
But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.
A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest.
She was very good at identifying the wine.
At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed.
At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed.
Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her.
She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!"
And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore.
She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11.
About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms.
He decides to see if she needs any help.
He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?"
She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."