Best jokes ever

When my customer ordered iced tea, I asked, "Sweetened or unsweetened?" Her answer: "What's the difference?"

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.

Did you hear about the man who spent too much of his company's money on Viagra? Now he's hard up.

Q: Why can't skeletons play music at a church? A: They have no organs.

Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force? He said he wanted to grill his suspects.

I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.

Yo Momma so fat and ugly that when she applied to become a movie star she got the part "Godzilla".

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh, what was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle.”

Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?" Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"