None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
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Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Husband: "Good night mother of my three sons."
Wife: "Same to you father of none."
I'm actually glad that 2 Chainz mentions his name at the begin of every song.
It gives me time to change the radio station.
A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot.
Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell.
10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland.
On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.
As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?"
An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
Yo mama's so dumb that when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends.
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