Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife "look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !" Wife replies "yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse..."
I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night. The doorman said to me, "Sorry mate, you've had too many". I replied, "What, drinks?" He said, "No, birthdays!"
What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room? 100 people that don''t do dick!
Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: Because she couldn't find the 11
I kind a feel sorry for Hitler. Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.
Unexpected sex - is the best thing to wake up, unless you're in prison...
Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school. Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?" "Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."
Chuck Norris kicked the world once, it hasn't stopped spinning.
Mary and Jane are talking. Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying. ‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane. ‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary. ‘I got pregnant within two months.’ ‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’ ‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary. ‘You have to go alone.’
Yo momma so poor that when she farted she said clap your hands stomp your feet praise to the lord we have heat.