My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
When Chuck Norris says "Jump", you don't say, "How high?" - you say, "When do I come down?"
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. "If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?" The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?" He promptly replied, "Another train."
Q: Why didn't go Noah fishing? A: He only had two worms.
It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Josh. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Josh graduate, let Josh graduate!" The principal agrees to give Josh one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Josh, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Josh thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Josh another chance. Give Josh another chance!"
You are so old, you fart dust.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris can power solar panels. At Night.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet? A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve? Answer: "Halo there!"