I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night.
The doorman said to me,
"Sorry mate, you've had too many".
I replied, "What, drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"
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Things Your Wife Won't Say:
The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.
I'm bored. Let's shave the p***y.
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Let's get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.
God, if I don't blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
I only signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
Let's subscribe to Hustler.
Let's take pictures so your friends will believe you.
Honey, our neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
Awesome fart! Do another one!
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!
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You are so selfish!
You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
Chuck Norris once caught AIDS... but then he let it go.
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A mother noticed her little dauther praying.
"Please, God," the little girl kept saying.
"Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia."
"Why did you make such as strange request?" the mother asked.
"Beacause that's what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!"
A doctor asks a patient while examining her:
How many sex partners did you have?
5 or 6, don't remember exactly..
Hmm, not that many...
Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One hundred: one to hold the lightbulb, the other 99 to rotate the house.
Grass is green,
trees are greener.
When I think of you,
I play with my wiener.
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