"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In a stork?
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will buy it on vinyl.
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.
The ground hog only pokes his head out to check for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't cry. His eyes sweat.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
When Chuck Norris says "Jump", you don't say, "How high?" - you say, "When do I come down?"
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. "If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?" The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?" He promptly replied, "Another train."