Best jokes ever

Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher? A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.

Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle. "I hope he's not going to shoot at us," said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, "Let us spray."

The bean soup I'd ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. "This soup is awful," I said. "I know," she said. "I don't like bean soup either."

I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine. At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. The doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. The woman replied, snorting pepper.

Yo' Mama is so fat, instead lint in her belly button, she's gathered full sweaters.

One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our dentists."

Do files get embarrassed when they’re unzipped?

HR manager to job candidate: ‘I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.’