If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? The rest of your life...
Chuck Norris, not Duke, stole the recipie for Bush's Baked Beans.
The water in Rio is so bad that even Usain Bolt had the "runs" in his last race!
A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives: 1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident. 2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident. 3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience. I'll take the lawyers heart. After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient: "Why did you choose the lawyers heart?" "Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."
The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen. "That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
The universe expands because the stars believe this way will be safer from Chuck Norris.
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind? A: None - just assume it's changed.
Chuck Norris didn't go to school to learn, he went to teach.
Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear... Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear