Yo momma's so fat... The animals at the zoo feed her.
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Doctor (to a patient): "You must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal." Patient: "Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home."
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
Women are looking for Mr. Right. Men are looking for Ms. Right Now.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire? Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
I'd tell you that I'm a nihilist but what is the point.
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone? She thought children should be seen and not herded!