Q: What do you say to a bodybuilding cow farmer? A: Show us your calves!
Chuck Norris's GPS still can't find him.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed went itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris never dies. And of course, he will also never fade away.
I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever. The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
"Wow, look at that! Isn't it beautiful? Let's destroy it." -People
Q: What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A: A sunken chest with no booty!
Q: What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown? A: A dino-score.
Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard. One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it. Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times. "I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."
It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat". The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as. "I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.