Got my wife a dildo and some shoes for her birthday. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.
The first of September, first lesson. Teacher: "Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand." Little Johnny immediately raises his hand. "You want to ask something?" "No. Just checking how the system works."
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper. There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned." The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.
A mouse and an elephant are walking through the forest. The elephant falls in a hole so the mouse gets his Porsche throws a rope down into the hole and pulls the elephant out. So they continue walking and the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant throws his dick into the hole and the mouse climbs out. Moral of the story: if you have a big enough dick you don't need a Porsche.
Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian? A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
Whats the difference between usain bolt and hitler? Usain bolt can finish a race...
When Columbus discovered America, Chuck Norris has already worked there as Texas ranger.
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.