Q: What did the fire monster that was slayed by the water monster say? A: "You're cold."
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda? A berry bubbly bunny.
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Yo momma's so fat... The animals at the zoo feed her.
Define "Egghead": What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
You want to come in my life, the door is open. You want to get out of my life, the door is open. Just one request. Don’t stand at the door, you’re blocking the traffic.
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
I'm not usually one to tell someone how to do their job, which is probably why my promotion to management only lasted a week.
Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend's 25, Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend's 26, so if you're single its ok, maybe he's just not born yet.