Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.
Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card." Johnny: "I don't have it." Johnny's father: "Why not?" Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
A father, as he was going home, he saw his daughter on the porch, kissing a guy goodnight. Disturbed, he turned to the guy. "In our home, young man, we turn of the light at 11 o'clock, sharp!" "Oh, Thank you so much Sir! That's so convenient! Thanks!"
If there's something strange... In your neighborhood... Who ya gonna call?... CHUCK NORRIS!
Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out. Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..." "Oh no' Edna replies, that's where I put him to dry !"
The first thing James Cameron saw when he reached the Challenger Deep was Chuck Norris snorkeling down to test his new watch.
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Boy: "Hi, my name is Milk. I'll do your body good." Girl: "Sorry, I'm Lactose intolerant!"
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."