How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Uri Geller bends spoons with his mind, Chuck Norris bends minds with a spoon.
I think my sons gay...I took off the seat of his bike, and he didn't notice.
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn’t I tell you he was stupid?"
Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies!
A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while. The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times. The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car The guy falls down five more times. He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door. The guy falls down 8 times on the way...and rings the bell. A lady answers the door and says "Oh how nice, you brought home Harry. But what did you do with his wheelchair?"
I got in trouble during high school for masturbating in the showers. Apparently it completely ruined the trip to Auschwitz.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Testicules. Testicules who? Pillow for penis .
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize!