"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
Did you find my horse well behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
"Knock Knock?"
"Who's there?"
"Europe."
"Europe who?"
"No you're a poo."
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, a hipster will buy it on vinyl.
One day, Bush was talking with Osama Binladen on the phone, they couldn’t trace from where the call was coming from, but Osama said, "I’ve got good news and bad news."
Bush replied, "What’s the good news?"
"I’m turning myself in," said Osama. "But the bad news is, I’m coming on a plane."
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist only takes the skin.
Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
A man calls a lawyer’s office.
A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’
The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s playing golf today.’
‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’
Every man thinks he's a dream of every woman.
Sorry guys, but the dream of every woman is eating all the time and not to get fat.