Best jokes ever

Q: Why are Germans bad cooks? A: The only good one killed himself.

Two policemen are walking the beat when one says, ‘When I get home, I’m going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife’s underwear.’ ‘Feelling randy?’ asks the other. ‘No,’ says the first. ‘The elastic is killing me.’

Two neighbors are talking to each other. First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me? Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well. First neighbor: Really, well then, how? Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.

Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Two weeks later: Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.

I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Drug test? What kind of drugs are we testing?

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?" "Neither," she said. "It's a fish."

The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.