Best jokes ever

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Yo' Mama is so nasty, she uses bacon as bandages.

Yo' Mama is so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a getaway rope.

Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.

Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Two weeks later: Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.

I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Drug test? What kind of drugs are we testing?

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?" "Neither," she said. "It's a fish."

The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"