After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress.
"About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"
"Neither," she said. "It's a fish."
Vote:
The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine:
1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
"Do you have references?" she asked.
The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
Jim is up north on a trip and his car breaks down.
He checks it out for a minute and being a mechanic he pretty quickly knows he needs a tow truck.
He opens his phone and has no signal so he starts walking.
A few minutes later he here's the bass of a car coming in the distance, bht dum dum do buh dum dum do.
He waits and sees a low riding car pull up next to him.
The windows roll down and smoke pours out.
He sees a bunch of empty beer bottles.
The driver and his 3 passengers ask "hey man! Need a lift? We saw your car up the road?"
He thinks for a minute and decides not to go with them.
The ask what's wrong with the car the mechanic replies "uhh just piston broke that's all" the driven than replies "eh so are we man hop in!"
A boastful hunter kept telling his buddies the same story, and they chided him for telling it over and over.
He reminded them that they often tell the same stories.
"Not so," said one friend. "We re-share, you repeat."
Vote:
When Chuck Norris asks you to stop mid-sentence, you.
Vote:
Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows."
Farmer: "Not bunch, herd."
Camper: "Heard what?"
Farmer: "Of cows."
Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows."
Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd."
Camper: "So what? I have no secrets from cows."
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
As someone died, Saint. Peter gave him a tour to the new place.
While wandering he sees an old familiar guy who was accompanied by a very ugly woman.
He asks Saint Peter: "But how does the man walks around with a woman like that when he spent his life with the most beautiful women?"
"Oh my child, he killed a pigeon when he was alive and now he is being punished."
They walk further down, and meets another friend with a frighteningly ugly women.
"Holy God but he was circulated only by models when he was alive, how come he withstands this now?"
"O my child that man killed two pigeons when he was alive."
They continued wandering and suddenly he sees someone who was so ugly and stupid and never had any woman when he lived.
But he was accompanied by THE WOMAN!
Extra tall and hotty.
The man lost his mind.
"Holy God, but such an ugly face with such a gorgeous woman?"
"Yes my son, but this hotty burned the whole pigeon house, when she was alive!"
Yo' Mama is so poor, my jack-o-lantern gets better dental work then she does.