A car slows down at a stop sign and keeps driving.
A cop sees him and pulls him over.
The cop asks, "Why didn't you stop?"
The man says, "I slowed down."
The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him.
"Now," the cop says, "do you want me to stop or slow down?"
Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
A: Lots of room.
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Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
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Q: How do you know when you are stoned?
A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.
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I went to a very beautiful place yesterday.
There were blossoms, roses and bright sky like a fantasy land.
I was so happy until some idiot woke me up...
A man is participating in a golf tournament.
He was left to golf with just his caddy.
On his tee-off, the golfer's ball lands in a patch of buttercups.
The caddy tells the golfer he can take the ball onto the course, and he won't take a one stroke penalty.
However, the golfer refuses and takes the ball out of the buttercups and takes the stroke penalty.
Suddenly, Mother Nature appears.
"What you just did was amazing. I am so proud that you enjoy nature and all of its beauty. For your reward, I will give you a lifetime supply of butter."
"Thanks," says the man.
"But where were you last week when my ball landed in the pussywillows?"
One day a blonde and a redhead were playing together over the redhead's house while the redhead's father was out.
The father had a pet parrot, which he did n
ot let anyone else touch.
But, when he left, the girls took him out.
The girls were playing with it, when the blonde grabbed the parrot and accidentally ripped out one of its wings.
“Now you've done it!” the red head yelled at the blonde.
“Go buy him another one just like that, here's some money.”
The redhead went into her piggy bank and gave the blonde $50.
“Okay,” said the blonde, “but it's going to hard to find a parrot with only one wing.”
On a beach a man shouts at another man:
Tell your son not to imitate me.
A man to his son:
Son, stop playing the fool.
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"