Best jokes ever

The wife is back on the warpath again. I suggested that we make a little sex tape ... she was up for it ... until I suggested holding auditions. I just don’t understand why she is so mad!

Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like... Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.

A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"

Customer: "Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my tea up?" Waiter: "I wouldn’t know sir, I’m a waiter, not a fortune teller."

Yo mama's so old her breast milk is powdered.

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank. Moral of the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself." The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But In the end, it doesn't even matter.