Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
Vote:
Q: Why does the Avon Lady walk funny?
A: Because of her "Lipstick".
Vote:
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A harenet.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers.
He rushes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor.
"Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
Vote:
A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”.
The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!”
The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you sell any hammer and nails here?”
The owner answered; “no, I don’t sell any hammer and nails here”.
The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”?
Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself.
Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"
Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
Vote:
Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A: A civil serpent.
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.
Yo Momma is so poor when her friend came over to use the bathroom she said ok, choose a corner.