Best jokes ever

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets!

This guy goes into a Sperm Bank with a gun and a ski mask and yells at the receptionist to open the safe. She's confused, thinking this is the world's dumbest criminal. "Sir, this is a sperm bank, we don't have money in here! That safe is full of donated sperm samples!" The robber screams for her to open it. At this point, she's confused. Maybe he's just a guy who thought better of becoming an anonymous donor and wants his sample back. She opens the safe like he commanded. The robber yells: "Now bring over that tray!" The woman does as he asks and brings the tray of sperm samples to the counter. As soon as the tray hits the counter, the menacing criminal makes further demands: "Now open that container and drink it!" The woman's gag reflex triggers. She barely manages to stammer out "that's disgusting! I won't do it!" Angered the man in the ski mask cocks the hammer on his pistol and repeats his command to drink one of the samples. The woman complies, he tells her to drink another, and another until the entire tray is gone. Once the last cup is finished the man pulls off his ski mask and goes: "See honey, it's not that fucking hard."

Husband: "When I die, I'd like to die making love." Wife: "At least we know it'll be quick!"

Yo mama is so fat, iPod converts into iPad, when she sits on it.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the "no-bell" prize!

Knock, knock. Who's there? Nobel. Nobel who? No bell, I knock.

Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

I went to a very beautiful place yesterday. There were blossoms, roses and bright sky like a fantasy land. I was so happy until some idiot woke me up...

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.